Stacy's Poetry

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me, Threatening the life it belongs to And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud And I know that you'll use them, however you want to ~anna nalick A Rose With a warm kiss from the sun Caressing the soft, velvet red petals Petals drenched in sweet morning dew Golden beams glide gently Over it's subtle curves So tightly closed against the cold world Tender petals protect the vulnerable center Only a tender loving touch Will coax the flower open With patience it slowly opens to you Revealing all the wonders of love and life Get lost in it's beauty and softness The heady fragrance intoxicates you Tenderness and love will bring you in Here you will find all you desire So come and be my sun And I will be your rose Love me with tenderness and warmth And I will open to you All the pleasures of life 2/14/97 Again you drifted away again my life feels empty again so quiet and lonely again I sit and wait again for you to return again with the soft, tender words again drawing me close to you again safe and comforting me again until you drift away again 9/10/00 Alone A month and 4 days since goodbye And I shall no longer cry A vow to myself to save me This is the way is must be Depression you can't see But threatens to take me. 1/27/97 Amazing Ride We waited in line, patient for it to be our turn nervous and giddy we finally took our seat buckled in side by side it started off slow climbing an aching, crawling ascent before the breathtaking fall Over and over we went climging up and whistling down our hearts raced, bodies shook as we fell into the rhythm hotblooded and gasping we slowed to a stop a bit sad I stepped off one moment of longing and I looked back then I just walked away this ride wasn't meant to last but everyone gets their turn 3/14/00 Anger I'll slap the arrogant face that mocks me knock it in the dirt Make you grovel at my feet when you see the things I've done Your life will be a wasteland, barren and dead when I'm through You fancy yourself so righteous and good that will not protect you I will drag you through the mud, humiliate and hurt you Loved ones will shun you when they've seen the things you've done The scars I'll leave will last forever cast a shadow over all you do I know first hand how to hurt and maime you will be my prey I will devour you in a moments breath spit you on the ground Trod upon your lifeless form and dance and laugh out loud Dance and laugh, insane with joy and malice feeding on your pain When I walk away laughing haughtitly, my eyes aglow with satisfaction And you will rue the day you met me 5/1/97 Anticipation The possibilities are endless The questions linger round The thrill of someone new How will you look? How will you sound? Will your skin be soft and warm under my hands? Will your eyes dance with delight? Will the scent of you make me dizzy with delight? Will the taste of you leave me hungry for more? Will a mere kiss from your lips leave me weak? Will the touch of your hand find me shivering? Will my body scream for yours? Will I want you? Will you want me? God I hope you do... 2/16/97 Apollo this sunflower follows your every move undulation stretching up to you basking in you swaying beneath you living for you rooted to this spot waiting for you to pass by 2/29/2000 Appetite Your hardhot desire creates slipperyliquidpassion between my thighs squeezed together so hungry not so much as a bit your words appetizers my appetite immense I want to licknibblesuck and devourconsume you with my hothungry woman mouth I'll never get my fill Lynn 2/7/2000 At Night Once, so many nights spent swathed in your love. Now, I lie alone in the dark bleeding to death one tear at a time. 12/11/99 Brighter Days You make my days brighter and my heart soar You are the wind in my hair and the sun on my face You are my comfort and my shelter The sound of your voice brings a smile to my face I treasure each moment spent with you To be with you, to talk with you To laugh and cry with you... all these things I love Or is it you that I love? Is there a difference... I have searched my heart and sifted through my soul and it appears it's all one in the same For every little thing I cherish and hold dear Is one more reason I love you and They are mounting beyond the boundaries of my mind and overflowing the confines of my heart with each passing day. 5/13/97 Blissfully When I close my eyes... its all I see A burning image of bodies entwined my hands clutching your broad strong back as you come into me blissfully.... there is that feeling that I miss so much 2/19/2000 Brightest Star I looked for you in the night sky I looked, but you weren't there the sky was dark, completely black the moon was hiding, silently crying mourning the absence of her brightest star I begged her to rise and shine down on me sobbing she replied, she hadn't the will no strength, no desire, to share her light her warm glowing rays locked inside she cried to me, that she had no purpose that she was empty, cold and alone without you, her brightest star, by her side and I felt her pain, the sad chill her desolation in your absence her inability to go on alone, the futility tenderly I told her, you must go on rise high into the night sky, share your light flood the world with your glow, because of him for him and all he means to you let him see your light, your faithful vigil no matter where he is, he will know how you struggled without him at your side how strong your devotion is that you wait there in your place, knowing he will return -and she rose! eve smiled...beamed there she remains, shining so full of love for you...her brightest star 3/15/01 Burned You stoke a deadly fire It fuels my destructive hate. You dance a razors edge Foolishly, you tempt and taunt me. The flames within are raging hot Overwhelming my self control. Soon it will burn scorching and wild It's deadly heat suffocating. One will walk away unscathed Stepping from the ashes. The light in her eyes the proof The fire is her fiery abode. Here she will never perish Only those that feed the fire. Only the foolish tempt the fury that rivals the pits of hell. 5/1/97 I can't make you see why do I let you make me feel empty? why do I let you make me feel alone? Why can't I tell you that sometimes I need you to see me to really look at me standing here watching you. look at me see what's in my eyes what's there for you. But you are blind and I can't make you see. You see the actions but don't hear the words they whisper what I'm trying to say without speaking. I can't tell you for fear you won't hear the words from my mouth or the sound of a heart breaking through unshed tears. 5/14/01 Can you love me? Can you love one day a week? or twice a month? Can you love on two stolen moments in a miriad of missed minutes, hours, days? Can you love in a rush of shared words, passions and desires? Can you love from afar never really knowing me? Can you love an idea? an image you paint? Do you love? clinging to that feeling of elation when we met and sparked? Do you love? feeding that feeling? Coveting it allowing it to be feel more than it is? Do you? can you? love me??? 8/1/2000 Captive Why must you hold me captive if it's not me you want? You must you keep me anchored to you if it's your wish to be free? Why do you draw me so close if its not me you want to hold? Set me free.... but only if you don't love me. I said I'd wait but not forever. 4/5/2000 Come a Day there will come a day when I will walk away when I find the will though I want you still but I linger on after so long waiting for you to see what lives in me 5/14/01 Coming of Spring Winter is beginning to pull back It's cold white blanket of death Slowly uncovering the icy ground Rays of sun slowly warm it Breathing life into the near dead Gently reviving Mother Earth Begings to bloom and grow again Full of color and life renewed Joy and hope for her future A cold and lonely winter Struggling so hard to survive When abandoned in the cold Holding on for the coming The coming of the spring of my life. 3/9/97 Would you dance with me? would you dance with me this strange little ritual so innocent, so seductive I watch you watching me look away...back again softly sighing...smiling slip my hand into yours standing breathless before you my heart races hands trembling, I drop my head your arms wrap around me looking into your eyes as we melt together bodies quivering pressed so close your lips dance over my neck limp and hot all over...soft sigh lips locked we are falling tongues dancing, hips swaying your body dancing over me sweetly passionate Begging, pleading...dance with me Want you, need you to dance with me my hands on your hips finding our rhythm as you dance inside of me to a song no one else hears 12/11/99 Darkchylde I AM the darkchylde the bitter love born of pain weaned on heartache suffering... my playmate endless hours we spend together I resurfaced.... being near you drew me out when it was no longer enough to just adore you and yearn for you when it became painful to see you talk to you when it wrenched my heart to see your name I can't break free of you I'm sinking deeper into this pit of loneliness, sadness without you I know I can't have you do I have the strength to give you up and save myself? 5/12/2000 Dark Clouds fingertips on the cold glass melancholy poison bites my heart we are suspended in pleasure consuming one another in time it will end and there will be pain again ups and downs joys and sorrows with each new joy I dare hope for a plateau that I will not return to pain again 1/13/2000 Destiny I was brought to this world only to love you. My life's meaning is to be with you. Each breath I take so that I may be yours. My arms are merely for holding you. My body merely for pleasing you. My heart merely for cherishing you. My purpose here To please you. To love you.To comfort you. To hold you.To want you. To need you. Born with an empty soul, a yearning heart. You are the missing piece in my life. You are my destiny my one and only. The words you say will not change that. It was meant to be. 1/21/97 Digital Image Near tears as I watch a digital image of you smiling, laughing, breathing, stretching teasing...So deceptive as if I could reach out and touch you there but I can't and I ache to my heart burns and longs as I hold back my tears I miss you so much Your touch, your taste,the scent of your skin your beautiful face, full sensual mouth that taunts me in the dark-memories of your kisses torment me....fill me with want I can't fight it andI don't want to I miss you so much and these memories make me feel close to you they remind me that I belong to you as much as you belong to me 8/25/01 Don't Cross the Line lingering at the edge comtemplating the lines I've drawn for myself toying with the idea of redrawing them disillusionment slowly sinks in I look at you, into your eyes and back down to the line before me the voice inside is screaming 'WALK AWAY NOW' Simple... just turn and go, be done but stupidly I wait and watch to see if you will convince me I'm afraid of crossing that line but crazy enough to dance along it so I'll walk up and down this line awhile pacing like a caged cat watching you... looking into your eyes the entire time When they become unreadable to me and when you reach for that dagger I will turn and walk away slowly letting you stab me over and over if that is your intent 1/14/2000 Do you know? Do you know how happy you make me? I have done nothing to deserve the unending joy you bring. Do you know how much I need you? You make my heart soar, you help it heal, so it can love and trust again. Do you know that you hold my world in your hands? That regardless of my defenses, I have left myself open to you? Do you know why I covet you so possessively? That I fear you will find another, beautiful, kind, tender, and stable. That you will love her for being all that I am not. Do you know that my future lies with you? That I can't imagine living without you. Do you know the physical pain I feel in my heart as it yearns for you? That the need to be with you has become quiet desperation. fall 96 Dylan Fox to hear your voice and be with you slowing drawing closer and closer to you letting my heart reach out for yours in hopes of finding something truly wonderful lying between us Unspoken in the silences of our souls... As our minds begin to intertwine 3/25/97 Eluding Its so exhausting eluding you... explaining the why when I don't really know It crazy behavior I can see that ...now sitting here warm....at ease giving a little opening a little and coming closer this eluding seems... pointless You've managed to corner me and I feel no need to run 3/14/01 Empty House There are those days when life is beating me down and I need someone who cares Someone who loves me knows me Someone to hold me close and chase away my demons to comfort me with kisses and caresses into the night releasing me to a peaceful dream to start my day anew Only an empty house greets me I walk slowly to my room, weary sitting on my bed, face in my hands I let it all out in tears alone in a quiet house crying until I'm empty tucking myself into a cold bed in a dark resting house I toss and turn unsettled waiting for sleep to come my thoughts loud and unending echoing in the dark 2/2001 Eternity You are my love You are my life All I want is you All I need is to be with you When we touch... When we kiss... The world falls away And only we two exist The magic of your touch Weaves a web of timelessness Around us... And in your arms I spend an eternity With every beat of my heart. 1/97 Excess Baggage I belong to you but you don't want me you discarded me like luggage excess baggage no longer needed or wanted lyin amoung the trash worthless to you now but still yours nonetheless when you drive by the heap do you look and think oh look...there's my old bag 5/9/2000 Eye of the Storm When the storm rages on the outside I will search for you in the depths of my heart Where the sky is blue and the wind is warm Where the rain is a sweet kiss from the angels The suns glow is rivaled only by your shining smile Where the birds sing in praise of you The grass grows only to be a soft bed to you The trees spread their branches to shade you I will find you and hold you close Let my arms envelope you... protect you The world will spin around us, raging out of control But between us two lies a calm, easy peace As our hearts beat and our bodies whisper to one another Together we find our own joy and serenity And return to it again and again. 5/4/97 Falling Walking in a forest of darkness Dead trees and branches are her sky Dry, dead leaves crumbling under foot Head down, unseeing and unfeeling Walking with no intented destination Utter quiet magnifies her sighs A wrong step and an instant drop She clings to the ground desperately Her legs dangling in a bottomless abyss Sorrowful wails reach her ears Those who came before her...below Unable to save themselves in a Unforgiving world. On your own Quick glance down, assessing Inky black climbing up her body Pulling her down slowly enveloping Grabbing desperately for a lifeline Hopeless, helpless, futile her hold weakens. Her resistance fades as she slips The trees part...a bright light She sees her life there, shining. A warm smile as she remembers Deep furrows in the traitorous soil The blackness overtaking her She falls slowly, tears streaming Her life disappearing from view As she plummets into darkness All that remains of her and who She was. Lonely, hurting sobs. Echo among these sinister trees Sprang from the tainted ground Where she walked the path of life And now falls victim to a lonely death. 10/96 February It's been two lonely months today Since that cold december day God it was hell for me to go that I'm sure you already know I still love you so very much My body still longs for your touch Sometime the future looks quite grey Gone forever I hear my mind say Please, baby, say it isn't true I only want to be with you. 2/23/97 Finally A little bit of joy and Christmas spirit drifted into my life today it fell from the sky riding on little white flakes happy happy joy 12/23/99 Flame in waiting In the chill of the night you remember the whimpering of a small glowing ember. Struggling to survive on it's own abandoned in a cold and lonely home. It's only warmth is a need to give the chance to love a reason to live. With the coming of each passing sunset it's small and helpless tears are wept. Dreading one more night without intrusion trying to fight off the pain of disillusion. With prayers of hope and desperation will someone bring sweet salvation? A tender heart full of love and desire that can rekindle the once raging fire. A fire burning bright and true with it's undying love for you. 11/11/96 Forbidden With each break of dawn... thoughts of you Gather all I have... put love away Burying memories and feelings... forget them now I once loved and felt so much...no longer allowed. I begin my day...empty and void I smile, I laugh... idle chatter A song that weakens my resolve...cratering Love and longing surface...a torrid rush Barely holding in my tears... slipping from the room Deep breaths, murmurs of reassurance (you can do this... you can do this...just let go...just let him go...) Replace the calm facade...mask the storm I'm not allowed to love you still...but I do Days go by one by one...each in turn As I learn to unlove you... I am dying 1/27/92 Fountain With soft words And a gentle kiss You touch the wellspring of my soul It becomes a fountain The Love I give returning to me again and again Flowing over me Fulfilling me and giving me life. 3/19/97 Collectively titled 'Four Days of Dark' *I am screaming inside but you can't hear me I am killing inside but you can't see me I am thinkng evil things but you can't hear them I sit here as always a painted picture look closely at my dark eyes see the shadows of pain, dark over the blood running I am trapped by things I can't control that live in side of me they are clawing to get out they can't be escaped only buried or unleashed either way, I'll be locked up for murder...for insanity free the beast or live with it forever kill or be killed has it really come to this? somedays it feels that way 6/28/2000 standing on a blank terrain shadows creeping over my feet looking closer...its NOT a shadow but a huge, swarming mass spiders black and teeming so think and numerous like an oil spill- spilling upwards over me can you my terror? My revulsion? the weakness of my immobility? I start to scream and scream and scream! hands beating at them helplessly dark eyes wide as they climb slowly, intently smothering me overtaking me finally filling my mouth choking me into silence dark oblivion 6/28/2000 as the day goes on the urge to scream is nearly uncontrollable as the day goes on slamming someone against the wall seems more probable therapeutic even as the day goes on my looks are contemptuous inviting a fight but.... there are no offers so.... maybe I'll just get drunk 6/28/2000* Freed I feel it at my throat and I want to scream unleash the anger and frustration the bone aching exhaustion the fact that I just don't give a fuck not today I've had all I can stomach of this and if I don't scream or hitkickpummell someone I'm going to fall to my knees and sob and sob until its all gone and I'm empty again let me purge my soul and lie here in the dark feeling nothing, empty blank.... white I feel it at my throat and I want to rage and rage and rage but when the gates are open it can't be stopped or held back and getting there ...to white is a painful, draining trip but I can only swallow so much in my mind, in the dark in an empty field beneath the stars I will cry out to the sky and be freed.... 10/13/00 Free my soul bring to me a quick cold death let my soul be free my soul is black full of a pain I refuse to admit in death... I can be dark and haunting painfulweepingsobbing in the dark of midnight and go unnoticed souls are allowed to exist in torment people are not they won't tolerate my emotions being spilled they won't allow my feelings to be real they belittle waving it aside with a cold hand I am not allowed to be a person filled with emotions I can't control and deep need, ache that I can't fill I am not allowed to tell you the things I feel you aren't prepared to hear them anyway but at night when you hear the wind moaning and howling it chills you but you can't quiet it and the lonely hurting souls hide in the wind so they can finally be heard with a heavy knife pierce my chest and cut a deep gaping rent free my soul and let it scream my pain into the wind for eternity 10/13/00 Friends In this cold lonely night out of touch, out of sight. I hurt from your rejection, your cool manner burns me like a deadly infection. My heart cries for you lost, empty, aching for one sweet word or two. Barely containing my tears trying to understand sad times in our lives. Can't we always be perfectly in love? Pointless fighting poisoning what we shared. I wish to live surrounded by love, and happiness a tender mate to hold, so beloved. We are out of touch, drifting away, distant waves crashing on a distant shore. Hurting so much. I no longer understand where we are going what we are doing, my life is in ruin. Once our love conquered all this was so easy. Where did I go wrong, when did it fall? Now we are hurting, pulling apart the love we built, back to friends, unentwining. The times we shared, ours to savor till once again as friends we meet. And when you fall, when life kicks you in the face. Remember my heart and your special place. Turn to me in your need, in your pain and heartache. For so long as I shall live, I will nuture this seed. Love you, cherish and care for you, to give you all you ever want and need. Do not forget the friend you have in me. 1/21/97 Friendship We grow distant, more each day friendship is the mask of the slower letting go. We will fade apart you no longer part of me me no longer part of you no more friends than enemies. Someday we will be startled by our faces, passing in the mall a blankness between us. Lust, love, passion, pleasure, pain laughter, tears... all gone. White nothingness is all that remains between us. 1/23/00 Game I want to play a little game a crazy game that has no name no rules and regulations but lots of fun and undulations its the perfect little guise hides the fire in my eyes play and play with no restraint lurid little pics we paint touch and taste, feel and tempt no promises to be kept our words so free and flesh so hot press your mouth in that perfect spot after all its just a game no precious hearts will we maime just you and me wrapped in sin the scent hangs heavy on our skin satisfy that hungry need lap it up with animal greed kiss my lips caress my hips whisper words so soft and sweet till once again we chance to meet no promises shall be made the groundwork has been laid no complicated ties to bind no expectations to unwind just you and me, game of chance wicked hearts so entranced 12/14/99 Ghosts Alone in the dark where secrets keep I felt your touch we were cheek to cheek I knew you were there you came to say 'Hi' clearly in my mind but soft as a sigh My mind only wonders why you chose now to come forward to me some way some how Why have you come? To say: I'm here? Are you saying to me you can always be near? I've felt you before but never so firm while I was happy were you waiting your turn? Here in our house you whisper at night play with our things but keep out of sight You've changed your role you've become so bold do we share the need of someone to hold? Whatever the reason you are in my head a strange comfort to me alone in my bed 12/24/99 Glass Our paths still cross Our lives still overlap here and there I turn and see you but you're not really there I stop and feel you but you're not really there I breathe deep and inhale you but you're not really there I close my eyes and see you there, behind the glass wall the one we put up to keep us in our places when you decided it was over. Sometimes we press our hands together on the glass but never speak of breaking it. We turned our backs on what was and what could have been. The future was frightening so you killed it. I am living my life without by me but you are always near what wasn't enough for you was everything to mee I can let go...but not completely. I can move on...but not too far. I come back to the glass when you call... 4/5/2000 Glowing Light in the cool quiet dark my body slumbers calm shallow breathing i wait... locked inside myself i am empty, hollow..blank You hold the key You touch me and i wake eyes wide and full of yearning with a look, a word You draw me up into the warm glowing light that is You You fill me...complete me leave Your mark upon me You are my desire burning bright and everything else fades to black 10/26/00 Goodbye How do you say Goodbye? Goodbye to the one you love Goodbye to the once you need Goodbye to the one you want Goodbye to a future together Goodbye to our happiness Goodbye to our hopes and dreams Goodbye to the life you want Goodbye without giving love a chance Goodbye without taking the risk Goodbye without knowing the outcome Goodbye and forever wonder if this was the one. Turn your back and walk away... Pray to God to make it right Feel his tender kisses once again Have faith in Venus to keep our love alive. Will Goodbye be forever? 12/96 My heart is but an outline My heart is but an outline empty on the inside Coroner pronounced it dead traced it with his chalk our love was murdered but time will pass the police tape flaps loose my heart has withered and died the coroners artwork remains an outline there will be no funeral I am the sole mourner in this heinous crime 1/24/00 If your heart should die if your heart should die gather its ashes into your trembling hands lift them to the wind and they will return one day when you are whole to love again 2/25/01 Help me? Can you help me I can't find my way I've wandered off the path The sadness came lurking I ran to hide Loneliness sought me out I tried to escape it but I ran so far and I ran so fast I can't find my way back Where can I go Where can I hide when the sadness returns when the loneliness creeps in Is there a safe haven that will take me in that will allow me to escape A place where I can weep my painful tears in peace A place that judges not the emotions I can't control Just a little time to reap my pain gather my tears in my hands to help the hurt go away To lie where its safe until I'm whole I am not a monster... merely wounded by a pain that erupts when I am weak and turn my back when I lose my way trying to escape someday I'll find my way back to that warm place in the sun but for now I'll remain lost lying alone in the dark until I am cleansed 12/21/99 Hurting Endless days and nights My body cries out in pain day after day aching dull and constant muscles taut and tender bones moan in protest a nameless pain in my heart that brings tears so empty frustration rages futility reigns Empty soul echoes memories of joy blackness drowns the light my mind wallows in misery with the empty shell of a body 4/4/97 I am missing I am missing a major cog in the wheel of my sanity everytime I think I've broken free of the rut, of my repetive orbit that I've changed and grown and moved on that I'm better and life is better and this time will be different I find myself coming full circle back to where I always end it never changes no matter how many times I run the race no matter how hard I try no matter how much of myself I give I end up standing here breathless, disillusioned, beaten I'll retreat and gather my strength to run again another day and if I run until I die will I ever win? Will the outcome ever be different? Or will there just come a day when all my hope and dreams finally die and I'm left here empty, in this place completely alone and ready to give up once and for all 2/6/2001 I'd choose you If I were an apple you would be my core If I were the sea you would be my shore If I were the grass you would be my rain If I were a cloud you would be my sky If I were the night you would be my day If I were a book you would be my binding If I were a flame you would be my spark If I were sin you would be my salvation If I were pain you would be my pleasure If I were empty you would fullfill me If I were crazy you would be my sanity If I were death you would be my life If I were to choose I'd choose you 3/10/2000 If I were... If I were the wind and you were a tree, would you let me slide among your leaves intimately? If I were the sea and you were the shore would you let me caress you with my waves? If I were the sun and you were the earth would you let me warm you with my loving gaze? If I were the sky and you were a star would you cling to me as I held you in the heavens? If I were a mountain and you were snow would you descend upon my peak and cover it? If my legs were the banks and you were the river would you rush in a torrent between me? If I were a bee and you were a rose would you let me fill myself with your nectar? If I were the rain and you were the ground would you let me drench you in warm, wet kisses? If I were a rose bud and you were the sun would you open my soft petals with a warm touch? If I were a safe harbor and you a ship lost at sea would you let me shelter you forever? If I were the roof and you were a pillar would you hold me forever? If I were the rain and you were a fire would you drink of me to quench your desire? 12/96 If you'd let me I would tell you if you'd let me I would show you if you'd let me I would hold you if you'd let me I would kiss you if you'd let me I would whisper softly if you'd let me I would caress and explore if you'd let me I would openly adore you if you'd let me I would sit at your feet and fall in love with you If you would let me. 4/16/2000 Is it right to hate him? he knows how to make her happy she says she loves him he does things for her I can't he knows things of her I won't I sit here stunned... because a woman has broken my heart without ever knowing it because I never said it he was there first and there he remains strong in her heart wrapped in her love and I've gone from watching to crying.... shocked by my own feelings I'll back away take a deep breath give it some space and keep it that way with hollow laughter and painted on smiles 5/10/2000 I miss The blue of your eyes The softness of your lips The taste of your kiss The smell of your skin The sound of your voice The line of your hips The cradle of your arm The security The laughter The love I miss... 12/12/99 Impossible man You can be my highest high and my lowest low my birth and my death the start and stop the reason to go on and the reason to just quit my endless hope and utter dispair all tangle into one impossible man 5/14/01 In the cabin The sun crept slowly over the mountains, Warming the cool Candadian air. Replacing the vigilant moon's watchful eye. Morning beams through the window find the lovers. Asleep in front of the cold, dark hearth. His strong, loving body encircling her hidden innocence. Intimately entwined in the suns probing rays they lay. Unable to see where he ends and she begins. They crystal goblets transform the ray into a dancing prism. The remaining wine in the bottom of the glasses, Holds the taste of their tender kisses. Giving it's blessing to their union, the sun gently kisses their tousled tresses. His like ebony, and hers like the fire burning between them. The warm light passes over them, Leaving them to linger. Undisturbed in sensual slumber and savoring their first night together. 8/96 (My very first poem) In the stars if you are my downfall my demise if you are my death my last breath if you are my exile into hell I can endure if there are stars burning bright as you no matter where life leads me you are never too far for when night comes anywhere in the world I can look into the sky and find a million bright, shining memories of you 2/2001 I saw you today You know.... I thought I saw you today I stretched so hard to see so sure it was you and my heart sank so familiar I bit my lip and held the tears With a deep sigh I sank to my chair wondering if it will ever be different Will I ever be able to see you and not dissolve into a heap Will our lost love haunt me eternally? Will you truly never return to me? How long can love live unreturned tucked away in my heart? 5/8/2000 It's all for you do you know have you a clue when I open my arms it's all for you give all or none no holding back do you know that its for you the words I write the smiles the laughter the dreams at night the quivers shivers and giggles all for you you have given life to all that hides in me 1/4/00 I was wrong There was a time when I was so happy then I had your love You were my dove I pushed you away Blind that love would stay Away from me I didn't see Now I'm alone and still It requires all my will Lingering inside Swallowing my pride To reach out for you All that I can do A second chance To dance the dance Did your love endure Once you seemed so sure That we were meant to be I was too blind to see I had to choose Destined to lose It hurts to know what I lost That it wasn't worth the cost Once I was your aske Seemed a simple task Can you forgive my sin Can you love me again. 2/23/97 Jason Soft and seductive, your voice caresses me. As if your hand were on my back. Slowly drawing down my spine Reaching out to touch me and to bring me near to you. Gently holding me by the hand Pulling forward as I hesitate. Wanting to run and afraid to walk. Unseen ties that bind me here. I hear you calling me, Beckoning and teasing. I prepare to make my way to you. Turning back, afraid and torn. Do I stay or do I go? Shouting yes or whispering no. How do you risk losing love In hopes of gaining love? What makes one the victor? When they both feel so right. My head spins with confusion. I want to have them both. Which way do I turn? How can I know which? Who is the right one for me? Where is the real love hiding? 10/96 K Mart love this pain is destroying me...us it incites...'fight or flight' do I stay and fight for unattainable completion in the love we share or do I fly...far away from the pain and the love that we are sharing it is... the ultimate catch 22 because we can't win without losing we can never truly do justice to this perfection that exists only between us there is no other 'you' for me and never will be this is a one time offer sale of the century everything must go storewide clearance..... all sales are final. 6/1/01 The lessons I've learned Just a child yet a bride Vowed to stand at his side She gave life to his three How happy they would be Said he loved her but he lied From fists of anger you can't hide So take the kids and quickly run Before the setting of the sun Storming in a raging fit To their home a match he lit Son with father it must be So they became only three Once again she dressed in white Brought two babes into the light Say goodbye to the eldest It's her time to leave the nest But very soon she saw the end This time vowing not to bend They scream and shout Hurling things about One small child sits in awe Confused by all she saw Men in blue she doesn't know Saying now her dad should go Silently they close the door And then we were only four Time goes by, the children grow Number three will come and go A ripples mark doesn't last In the storm of the past Yet another daughter goes To show the world all she knows That is as it should be and now we are only three Again she plays the part Risking her wounded heart Left alone to think He searches for a drink Screaming, yelling, hitting hurled glass breaking In the terror of the night Hold my baby sister tight Drying up her tears Calming down her fears Momma calls down the hall Telling me it's time to call In the dark I dial the phone Summon help to our home In his care we will stay While her work takes mom away Strange new games we would play Hands and eyes begin to stray He proceeded steady and slow Making my suspicion grow In my head I formed a plan To save us from this hurtful man With the tale retold Mothers blood runs cold He said he loved us but he lied At her hand he nearly died A lesser charge, he would skate Merely banished from this state But my wounds, they hear him say They only shrug and walk away Something evil touched our lives Haunts and lingers in crystal eyes I'm carefully hidden to passersby In this cell alone I'll die Life's lesson is not hard Never trust and be on guard But still I love and never lie When it comes I'll let it by Afraid my heart can't sustain The deadly dagger of loves pain My heart's destined to slowly roam Always searching for a home Don't condem my icy wall From time to time it does fall 11/20/96 They won't just let me be I don't wanna hear more bad news I don't wanna have more go wrong I don't wanna be sick anymore I don't wanna be tired anymore I don't wanna beg and plead anymore I don't wanna struggle anymore I don't wanna fight anymore I don't wanna be hurt anymore I don't wanna be scared anymore I don't wanna be lost anymore I don't wanna be confused anymore I don't wanna be sad anymore I don't wanna be alone anymore I don't wanna be lonely anymore I just don't wanna be....anymore. 2/17/97 Sometimes love is letting go I heard a small bird within the brush I walked, gathering flowers in a bunch I hovered, listening to it's throaty rush With careful steps I dared approach A fledgling alone piercing the hush Hidden from those who choose not to see In the shadows it sang a sad lonely song Curious, I paused and knelt down on a knee Entirely invisible to the swarming throng I viewed the life only I seemed to see Wondering what brought me here today With a watchful eye he regarded my face Not like the others he seemed to say To disturb him in his solitary place When he cocked his head at me that way Soon I was well on my way Pondering many questions But determined to return each day To gain the fledglings affections Anxious to hear what he longed to say Some times it rained as I passed the days He sang of sorrow and chirped in confusion Confined to the nest in so many ways Insecurity and fear fed his suspicion So in the safety of the nest he stays There were the days the sun would shine He sang cheerfully, voice filling the air At this I smiled, knowing he would be fine No matter the mood of what we would share Some how his trust had become mine. I can easily recall that joyous day When I offered my outstretched hand He accepted it with his fears at bay Feet dancing like the shifting sand Before happily settling down to stay With the passing of time I knew My love for him was quickly growing Under grey clouds or skies of blue The love in my eyes fairly glowing For this small soul my heart beat true I longed to see him fly free Leaving the nest, ascending higher and higher Gliding high above the trees A word of encouragement and a reminder Of the friend he would always have in me Now my heart fills with love and pride When I see the wonderful man he's become The one that I saw there on the inside With mixed feelings I knew this day would come And when it did, a part of me died And with tears falling from my eyes I cradled him to my chest once more Whispered I love you and held him to the sky Higher and higher he began to soar My heart broke and I bid him goodbye 6/10/97 I have lost my footing, again My head is all confused my feelings so intermixed I can't trust what I'm feeling I don't know what motivates me I am living outside myself watching this little episode How can I move on when I can't bear to let go What am I doing where am I going I have lost my footing doubting every step When will I ever get this right this little dance of life and love When I feel so bold and confident I am tripped up by faith Faith that I will always betray myself no matter who I'm with And when I'm lying there flat on my face drowning in my pain and shame Wallowing in it's familiar fit and feel and taste I don't want you to touch me or help me or comfort me Don't look at me or talk to me don't try to console me I don't want it don't ask for it don't NEED it! so leave me the fuck alone! 12/10/99 I just want to know you so many small details so many day dreams faraway smiles, in my day whenever I think of you of being with you your smile your kis your hands, your lips the warmth of your embrace the scent of your skin the sound of your laughter your peaceful breathing your sleeping face your tenderness your sensuality your sexuality to lie sleeping in your arms to dance with you to sit with you to talk with you to just be with you to know you 4/9/01 Love two souls unknown twins alone in the world brought together by god's hand or mere luck? slow and steady we were drawn our time together perfect and bittersweet destined to end as it began together we found friendship and love a bond formed deep and powerful promises and vows whispers between us this thing we have created defies time perfect, pure, everlasting together or apart our lives forever touched by the other unforgettable memories bring joyous smiles and endless tears moments of tenderness and laughter heaven and hell to find love so far away the thrill of hello the pain and heartache of goodbye is slow death. 1/14/97 Oh how I love thee Innocent as a babe whence our love was kindled. Stranger to love and the cruelty of the world. I will not be the one to hurt thee. Will not teach thee all I know of pain. My love will be thy armor and my kisses will be thy shield against the world. Bitterness and heartache thee will never know. So long as I love thee, and oh how I love thee. And thy tender heart. 1/13/98 Message My ear to the ground listening so close trying to hear it clearly but the message is jumbled...confused the words you speak cloud and veil what you say I get bits and pieces nothing whole What should I think? are the signals being mixed in my head or your mouth? If there is something you need to tell me why can't you? If you don't want me to know why the insinuations and allusions? Am I being led to believe or do I believe I'm being led Where is my courage? to just ask you what I need to know Exactly what is it you want from me? 4/5/2000 The moon and her secrets In my secret heart I hide things that are only for me I share them with the moon and she keeps them safe for me In the dark night we talk I open the curtain and she comes into my bed illuminating me with her gaze so open and soothing She doesn't judge or betray ever faithful to me she comes each night to take up my fears and secrets kiss my face and lull me to sleep I wonder what she sees and hears when she is not with me she never tells me anything only listens to my sins and moves on the world is full of sinners full of secrets never told but the moon must know them all 2/2001 Moonlove caught in your orbit like the moon eternally lost in a swoon unable to break free, unable to look away drawn to you in a most cosmic way to light up your nights and hold you tight I'll cling to the sky below soft and lovely you lie the break of dawn and a kiss know it's you I'll miss not the warmth of the sun our heats just begun where the skies are blue I'll wait for you I'll be here each night keeping you in my sight to protect and watch over as if I were your lover and not a cool grey moon whose glow fades too soon moonlove moonlove adore you from above 4/8/2000 My cherished there is a place for you here in my heart where you fit so easily when I let you but why I don't know how foolish am I? to begin a journey so obviously laden with pain and heartbreak? to draw you near me in every way but physically the one way that will always be impossible but the only way it can be without that... it is nothing but words and tears until the words have ceased and the tears never will sitting here today I know with a heavy aching heart that this...this is the best it will ever be for us there is no future in the real world where you and I will be together someday but I can't just walk away and let you fade you are my cherished and that won't be so easily undone at least ..not by me. 8/1/2000 My heart won't let you go You reached out for me, to help me through So tender and caring, you taught me to trust To believe and open myself We were merely friends, who fell in love You own my heart You own my soul You let me love you, like no other before you We are far apart, and I can't let you go The love we found, is that of forever We shared so much You touched my life We are so right together On my knees I pray That we will be reunited That you will love me, as I still love you. 2/16/97 My thoughts I truly believe Everything happens for a reason Good or bad Pain or pleasure Never for naught To guide us down the path to our destiny How we react pulls us closer to our goals OR draws us away So if we meet Touch each other leave our imprint Stay together OR drift apart We will cherish each step I don't know why you came But I do know this: What is meant to be, will be. I am learning to accept that which is not. "Accept ... don't expect" Your gift to me Growing, evolving, my hand in yours Living in each step Eyes on you... not the horizon Don't care where we are headed Here and Now Savoring the opulence of our overlapping If one day we arrive the ends of the earth in the midst of forever only then will we know If not? My life will bear your mark My face will hold your smile My heart will carry your joy My mind will cherish all that you are to me Special and beloved always my friend, the light in my eyes that you may never see. 2/14/2000 A new start When I am with you Your love surrounds me. Like a whirlwind....swirling all around me. Caressing my every curve Awakening my skin Fluttering my hair Enveloping me Dancing with me As you breath life into this dying heart of mine. 3/30/97 No waiting How to explain how I feel? WHen you walk into the room Physical reactions that defy words In this state, there will be no waiting It will be all about... kissinggrabbingpulling clothestearinglipslocked fallingtothefloor ridinggrindinggrunting hairpullingshoulderbiting slickskinhairclinging moaningpantingbodyrocking blooddrawingorgasm fucking 3/1/2000 Oblivious How can you laugh like that? Oblivious of me? Standing here stupidly as if I matter. You indifference belittles me and all that I feel for you. 5/14/01 One teardrop falls I am healing so very slow many days pass with no emotion I turned them all off in order to survive Then one offhand word brings a rush The pain....the ache...the lonely, emptiness My body is hollow, the shell of me You took my heart and stole my soul I have let you go, why aren't you gone A single tear is all I allow I will be strong I will get by I am over you.... I know I am But the healing is so slow Tell my heart to hurry to finish this business of goodbye I need to have my life I need to have my happiness I need to have my heart... so that one day I may give it to another. 3/26/97 Open You ask me.... am I open to you? But.... you don't define open I am open...to your kisses I am open...to your caresses My eyes are open, for you to see My mind is open, for you to probe My arms are open, for you to fall into My legs are open, (grin) for you to slip between All of me, as a whole, is opening softening What locks do you see that you wish opened? What walls do you wish torn down? What lines do you wish crossed? Ask of me until I can give no more... empty me, open me, then fill me up with you 3/1/2000 Open water Did god send you in my time of need? When I was drowning in dark,cold water At times you pushed me farther under but then pulled me up again. We found calm waters wet and close we drift on open water with no visible boundaries 2/14/2000 Out of the dark I waited for you but didn't know it until I saw you had returned without acknowledging me not so much as a look my way my lungs filled with hurt and I breathed hard to expel it but it lingers and I linger in the shadows waiting for you to shine down on me again but I hate you because I lied and let you in and you don't know how easily you hurt me you are oblivious because I lie and you believe me not knowing me well enough to know when and why I lie and hide I tell myself I like it that way I like the barriers protecting me yet each time I linger hands pressed to the cool glass, looking out waiting to see if this will be the one who will see past it all who will want to get past it all to me and the things that make me hide and lie behind false smiles and empty laughter I belittle my feelings and fears they scare me, and I see how they scare you So I am strong when you look at me inside my weakness sheds tears of blood for someone to find me here in the dark and finally lift me up and out for good to hold me and help me the happy lies and brave games are wearing thin 9/30/00 Pain My heart is breaking, chest ripping open. The pain is unbearable, death would be relief. A burning stake of hurt, driven deep into my chest. Tears fill my eyes and spill over onto my cheeks. Why am I so stupid? Will I never learn? Why do I love so much so fast? Why do I give so much of myself, the pain is inevit able. Why do I want so much, it is asking the impossible. To be loved as I love, To be desired as I desire, To be wanted as I want, To be needed as I need, That is what I want, and shall never live to see. It's time I learned the lesson, and time I took the test. My vow I make to myself must remind me of the pain. It is an everlasting hurt so Just remember this: Bury your heart deep and listen to your head: Trust yourself and no one else and you will never hurt again. fall 96 Poison crying for all the wrong reasons struggling with my sanity lost in my confusion trying to find my way back to my inner strength that gets me through it all I let my guard down let you make me laugh allowed you to bring me joy let you touch that last remaining barely breathing bit of my heart let you inside the pain when I should have locked you out but in my stupidity over the years I seem to have lost that all important key so I'll tell you how it was nothing no big deal, all is well lie and cover my tracks because I am not through healing I lie to myself about it all the sickness is spreading again I let you in and now you are tainted with it That poison in me, that chokes me at night Its black hand so tight around my throat I can barely breath It swirls in my head creating confusion things are not as I believe them to be Poison in my eyes, strange visions I do not see things as they truly are my reality is so skewed I am such an utter failure my life is not what I believe it to be I have told myself these lies so long but I can't be strong I can't go on like this I can't control my emotions my heart is full of poison and pain rotting away one heartache at a time For a day of happiness I suffer because I cling too tightly to that feeling never wanting it to end so foreign to me when the pain is as familiar as the taste of my own tears with my heart in my hands I want to smear my bright red blood all over the wall let it run all over me so I will know that I am alive as I scream and scream until the pain is all gone until my voice is gone until you are so afraid of me that you never come near me again that is truly for the best 12/15/99 Have you seen my prince Have you seen my prince He said he would return To my side to stay To hold and cherish me For the rest of our days Have you seen my prince Here I sit and wait And the days slip by Each in turn one by one Have you seen my prince Slowly and painfully I wait alone in the dark His return will be my dawn His love my lifegiving oasis On the desolate wasteland That is my empty life Have you seen my prince Alone I wait for him To rescue me again From the pain and heartache From the lonely life I lead Have you seen my prince Without his love I shall surely perish Here alone. 2/4/97 Purple Rose The warming of the sun retreats, in the falls final beats. The air begins to cool, bringing ripples to the pool. Nature's song begins to fade, afternoon light turns to shade. Cheerful blossoms freeze then die, in a final wrenching sigh. As he turns to go, whispers of the coming snow. Far away and safe from harm, out of the reach of winter's arm. As a crystal blanket falls, the frigid wind it calls. Winter's hand strikes out, in the echo of it's shout. My heart, my realm in it's grip, it's icy fingers start to rip. Coldness permeates my core, deceptive fog knocks at the door. Offering hope of his return, with warmth of spring,it's loving burn. One cautious peek outside, bring's the rush of winter's tide. I struggle and I fight, grasping for his light. But he has tread too far, and there will be no scar. Not a sign, not a trace, of the death I must face. My heart entombed by bodies case, my final breath a cold embrace. He returns with the spring, to behold one single thing. At the place our love began, now he stands an empty man. And how cold his young heart grows, as he spies the purple rose. Left behind in remembrance of, the beauty of her undying love. As here she waited everyday, the lonely cold drained her strenth away. No strangers kiss shall brush her lips, or fall in hunger upon her hips. The lonely winter, her final lover, her warm, sweet breath it did smother. And with a love that burned so bright, she died alone one winters night. Her spirit keeps him safe from harm, forever smitten by his charm. Now he tends that single rose, and in his heart the love still grows. 11/13/96 Pushed away falling to my knees huddled on the floor the realization sinking in of a horrible mistake made the life drains out of me as my heart stops beating i am pushed away, pushed away shunned shut out reeling in my own stupidity body numb in the void of His favor scrambling to stop time to rewind as He pushes me away pushes me away into the headlights fast lane of an oncoming car disaster pain dismemberment and tears pushed away... shut out shunned empty... Blood floods the pavement headlights flash by tires spattering through red carrying me away in thick sticky red between the treads down the highway in the fast lane pushed away carried away no longer whole pushed myself into the path of self driven destruction the heartless, sadistic me watches as the foolish me lies dying while the selfish, thoughtless me drives away. my insanity in self destruction is killing my innocence with my brazen, unbidden lunacy 1/30/2001 Revenge We take the love we had drag it out and annihilate it Rip it to shreds and trample upon it Hurling barbs and threats and insults Making a mockery of our promises We did nothing wrong We just fell apart Now we attack openly with daggers of hate You pierce me again and again Until my fury is that enormous That I lash out at those you love I am the Keeper of the Pain An expert in my field I can make you hurt like never before But why? What have you done to me? I loved you and now I hate you The taste of my revenge lies sweet on my tongue I savor it...thinking of how you will squirm How you will struggle and ache inside I long to punish you for what you've done See you suffering as I have So this is love? Now I see... love breeds hate And hate breeds the love of Revenge 5/1/97 Riding Waves impaled on your mast the axis of my desire I spin as you rock on waves crashing in my sea I ride the swell of your tide you ease into my cove anchored in intimacy a calm pool at the edge of tumultuous water you and I lay on the beach musing who was riding who 2/2001 The river Like a raging river Racing deep and fast Thru the valley of my soul Love for you fills and O V E R F L O W S me. I love you inexorably My heart etched deeply Bearing your mark for all of my days. The love you bring forth, Bubbling up like a hot spring Delicate and tender Hot and steamy Deep and powerful. Unable to control the emotions you evoke. The strong undercurrent pulling me down and drowning me in passion. Love and desire s w I r l I n g over my head and engulfing me. Our bodies call out breathlessly yearning to join. Satisfy the animal need Screaming like a caged cat. Pacing relentlessly and Waiting for release. Racing to each other like A river to the ocean. Unable to turn back No way to be stopped. Demanding to meet and become one in a wet collision. My heart cries in the night for you lonely solitary beating in the darkness. My arms longing for your body to have and hold. My hands search longingly.. Soft silky locks to stroke. My legs spread eagerly Awaiting your arrival... Ready to wrap around you In a loving embrace as Our union is complete. I feel as if I am a small rose petal, carried away. The torrential rush of love carrying me away from the safe known shore and to the exhilarating p l u n g e over a waterfall to the calm clear pool of your arms waiting below. Afraid to fall so trustingly But unable to keep away from the p u l l of your love, calling and enticing me to come and float carelessly upon you. How did this happen How did I fall for you so hard? You crept into my heart While my mind was not looking, guard down. I am glad you did You love is like a warm spring rain falling softly and wetting me from head to toe...refreshing. fall/96 Sad and lost sad and lost I stand over the maimed body of something I loved dearly in a venegeful tempest I nearly killed it attacking over and over without pause tears flowing blood flowing all that was good and sweet perfect and wonderful now dark and dying laboring to survive on its own I stand immobilized shocked at my own violence I cry and pray on my knees to a god I don't believe in to help me to repair what I've done hands over my face I pray into the dark night 3/20/01 Saint and Sinner You envision yourself so good, a saint among men, high on your virgin white pedestal, so far elevated above the masses in your divine goodness. When in reality you are a self made martyr. You don't do what you want to do, you do what you THINK is the right thing to do. What will make you appear pure and golden. What will make you appear to be utterly good and therefore superior. Outwardly you appear, appropriately sensitive to the plight of lesser beings. A closer look finds you too self involved to truly care about anything not centered around your exceptional self. And you, in your goodness, your chastity, your purity, and your godliness look down on the rest of us with feigned concern, barely masking scorn. You feel it your place to correct us with your unflagging �honesty' which is merely a cover that allows you to be mean, cruel and hurtful to those around you. Passing judgement, and calling it friendship. You couldn't soil yourself by softening your words and sparing injury. You self righteousness and your �perfection' is dreadfully stifling and utterly anal, to those of us who love to swear, fuck, live, sin, and rebel. Destined to lead exciting lives and forever to burn in hell, swathed happily in our delicious evilness and lovely imperfection. 11/10/97 School bus The yellow school bus passes unheeded Scooter isn't here to bark hello to the passing children Did they ever see him there at the fence, so excited? I suppose not... But I miss the sound of him each afternoon Making himself known through our daily rituals his place at the gate heralding my arrival is empty On my way out, pat his head and say, each day "Momma loves you, be a good boy" Duchess waits alone now at the gate each day Does she wait for us to come home or for him? These days I'm not sure... 2/28/2000 (Duchess and Scooter) Scooter I never cried so hard as today not mere crying but bawling,sobbing till I made myself ill then I laid on the floor half in half out of the bathroom and sobbed some more till the carpet was soaked in tears my body trembling as I suffered Then my sister came home I crawled to my feet, wiped my eyes and went to say goodbye to my baby, my Scooter He came to me 10 days old, eyes unopened His momma for 10 short years He has been by my side always with unwavering love and loyalty Through the hardest time of my life He was my constant Today I must say goodbye relinquish him to illness unconquerable And hope that he always knew that I too loved unconditionally. 2/21/2000 Seasons in the death of December you may find forever in the coming of spring you may have nothing in the tempest of summer you may squire a new lover in the clarity of fall you may simply forgo it all 6/2/01 Secrets grasping the long slender knob greedy eyes watch it rise gentle squeeze of my hand white, spreading all over wet my lips in anticipation breath quickens a bit so hot, so wet stopping the flow submerging myself in a gasp eyes closed, skin tingling pleasure... hand buried in quivering thighs single digit leading the way fantasy fills my head hips making waves things I dream that you do to me say to me unknown to you do you care? find me here hot, wet, ready have secrets of your own how you make me hot, wet screaming your name secrets unknown to me do I care? some secrets should be kept 12/11/99 Seething Waiting.... makes me furious vengeful builds a wall of bricks one by one as the minutes tick by it gets higher and higher don't push it for in no time at all you will be utterly obscured from my eyes as I am quite quick at teaching myself to no longer care and when you arrive full of excuses and kisses do you think I will let you back in so easy with open arms highly unlikely 12/15/99 September 29, 1996 The light blue sky is peaceful and perfect. It's vastness uninterrupted by a single cloud. Stretching forever, far beyond the limits of imagination. The sun beams down, warmly lighting the plains. The shadows cool and breezy...just right. The swaying grass betraying the softly blowing breeze. The clear, fresh mountain air is familiar. A day like any other, but special unto itself. We know how lucky we are...it is a gift. In Wyoming we thank God for such a day. And for a wide expanse on which to enjoy it. 9/29/96 Sherwood's Arsonist You warm my heart, my body, my soul... You light a fire, then let it burn slow. Gently stoking it, urging the flames. Wanting them burning steady...climbing higher. Higher and higher along the inner walls of my being. Climbing and engulfing me ...bit by bit. Probing and feeling, intimately knowing. I feel the warmth of their glow, nearing my heart. I feel it's burning tongue flickering and tasting the love I am hiding...deep in my heart. The fire begins to rage beyond all control.. My head back, my eyes closed....surrendering, Letting the fire wash over me and become my possessor.... 1997 (Stephen Ridgen) ~sigh~ With an eerie deftness you push that button and in an instant I am back at your feet open and alert waiting wanting pantingheaving spinningfalling waiting for you reach out and catch me 5/1/2000 Small Hands small hands caress your face cup your neck glide down your arms slip over your chest dance on nipples flutter to your hips knowing them hungrily race down your spine indulging in the curve of your ass savor your pelvic crease splayed on your thighs thumbs touch at your warm center slide down your legs covering your feet small hands touch all I long to taste 2/7/2000 Smug I feel a small frustration that prevents my satisfaction I want to watch you crawl Slam your body to the wall Something in me says no Not to stoop so low I have tasted revenge so sweet So bow and grovel at my feet Beg me not to do it Turn your life to shit Apologize and kiss my ass I'll spare your little lass. 5/1/96 So empty its not easy being me so empty so pathetic so fake strong on the outside weak on the inside game player putting on a big show pretending I don't care that I'm fine on my own that I don't give a fuck about you or the world or any of your opinions that I'm happy and healthy in who I am But I'm not I'm delicate emotional fragile and unstable wrought with insecurity and self disgust I play it so tough never needing anyone so of course no one bothers cuz I play it so well they leave me to my battles and rush off to aid the soft, lovely ladies in their hour of need so independent but its such a crock all I need is someone to lean on to love me to protect me to allow me to truly be happy in who I am but that person doesn't exist or maybe I'm just too far gone too badly bent permanently damaged Someone should have taught me to be one of those ladies what happened to me? To make me this way? So guarded, so jaded, so empty 3/16/01 So familiar last night..... the presence of tears caught me off guard so familiar in their origin the stabbing pain... has become a dull ache I AM moving on but in the dark.... if you offered me your hand once again I would take it In the light of day.... I would rethink it but.... you have not and you will not So again.... the choice is not mine to make 1/23/00 Spring morn Swollen golden orb heavily laden with the day's life Pulls itself over the horizon Lumbering behind rolling hills Night clings in the shadows Reluctant snow lingers in the ravines and in the lee of the sandstone Bare branches among the gossamer mist The air is cool and calm A lone meadowlark sings As white bottomed pronghorns graze on the first hint of green Dew covered does and fawns roam the creekbed As calves frolick among their mothers Ignorant Of the frost covered corpse that is the calling card Of a harsh winter Birds gather in pools of melted snow And day comes to the prairie 4/20/97 Still I still love you so much I still miss you so much I still hurt so much And yes I still cry too much When I would think of you All I ever wanted was to be yours forever but now... sometimes when I think of us together again I'm not sure what I want am I moving on, or afraid of losing you twice? 1/13/2000 Syn-Syn I should like to be my cat haughty, naughty Syn-Syn wicked wanton kitty she doesn't care if the boy cats love her 6/2/01 Tainted blood tainted blood killing my heart I've forgotten how to love and be loved I have spilled my own blood trying to heal the disease and now its spreading I have forgotten love its touch its feel its meaning and I fear I will never remember blood runs hot...fast cools, pools and thickens is that love? letters drawn in blood on the floor is that love? bitter blood filling my mouth spilling out onto the floor at I retch it up tainted blood killing my heart 10/13/00 Tears Tears leave such a bitter taste Where there was once only sweetness My lips once numb from your kisses Now salty with tears flowing over them My eyes once sparked with passion Now only fill with sadness My breast once taut with desire Now fills with a dull thrumming ache My body once rejoiced in pleasure Now echoes with loneliness Fear wells up from deep within And fills my mouth with pain In me there is a vacant place Aching to be filled by you 8/13/97 The gift there it is again that feeling that dark lurking feeling when you meet someone that you could give yourself to and realize he is not free for offering, choosing, exploring that you are too late falling into the casual pile not leaving a mark or a ripple on their consciousness just another friend, another name and I choke back my thoughts when I find what I seek it is not to be mine the others wear the label the title, the whole image but are not for me not the one I want to kneel before and offer up all that I am for the taking to relinquish myself So many offer but its not right I feel it to my core knowing a natural inevitible blending growing instead of a part played emotions conjured reactions contrived with wannabes who will never reach me no matter how hard they try and I will never reach him no matter how hard I try this gift I hold may never be given 8/11/00 The mask In my solitude I sit and wait For the drama of life to begin I hear my cue and rise to go A deceptively beautiful mask I put on for this performance Happy, laughing eyes and a sweet smiling face Designed to hide the pain that has been my life Friends and family my audience This dance I now begin The happy carefree me that all believe I always am. Levelheaded, strong and defiant Impervious to pain, oblivious to the barbs and daggers of the world. You all think you know me so well From time to time the mask cracks A glimpse of the sadness and pain You see into my soul and shudder Gasping at the what you see there Hastily I repair the damage You smile and dismiss it all. This is the happy one. the fun loving Adventurous one... The one who takes care of everyone and needs no one But you do not know me, not really I like it that way...really You do not know that I am human With weaknesses, ability to hurt In your eyes I'm above the pain I am too aloof and distant to hurt. I like it that way, my walls are high So I wear my mask in all I do I dance this dance of life my way I give my love, that overflows Spread my joy and laughter Help those that need me when I can I do all and give all to hide my hurt Because if I have helped just one If I have brought one smile Or brightened one gloomy day Then my life has not been in vain Many have reached out to me Spoken of their love for me But they love the mask and that girl And that is yet another act This long, winding play of life Where I forever play the part. But when the day is done, the show is over I return to the peace of alone Gently take off the mask once more Clean and polish it with care Place it on a shelf for yet another day I sit alone and gather the pain The hurt of the day, bring it to the surface Let my tears try to cleanse my soul Time goes by and I gather myself To my bed, to lay and ponder this double life Will anyone ever get past the mask The grand facade that is my life This hopeless empty charade 1/21/97 They meet Sublte hints and allegations Probings and questionings Dancing around...Briefly brushing...Softly touching. Never firmly felt. Leaving feelings, and mixed emotions unsaid and ignored. Burning to touch, Longing to tell. Unable to begin, Not sure it will end. Afraid to feel...The double edge... The pleasure and pain...Hand in hand they must go. Risking one for the other. Eyes and heart reaching, Reaching out and searching... What are you thinking? What are you feeling? Can you be trusted............. 8/96 They say Be a player they say Forget about love they say Its just about sex they say Oh... okay. I say And I've tried to play that game but no one told me the rules I don't know how to win I don't understand the goal Even from the sidelines I don't understand the plays No one told me where to find that ON/OFF button on my emotions Necessary equipment for this game 'batteries not included' I say Feel with your body Not with your mindheartsoul sharpen that skill, they say It's there they say look harder they say frustrated, I cry Oh we'll help they say We'll teach you the game they say Never mind I say I don't think I want to play 3/10/2000 They're just pennies like pennies in a fountain I am bright and shiny glittersparkling in the sun I am the wishes, the hopes the dreams of thousands but they threw me away and walked away leaving me to die sparkling in the sun such pretty shiny pennies.... So when you hold your dreams in the palm of your hand! Don't throw them away and leave them forgotten Put them in your pocket clench your hand around them and carry them with you... ......forever...... 6/1/01 This is not real life! you sit in front of your screen and the light illuminates your face first there is shock followed by outrage OUTRAGE!!! how dare they you whisper, how dare they ignore you how dare they display such cool indifference to the slurs and barbs you sling, the insults you lay awake concocting last night. how dare they mock you and taunt your friends HOW DARE YOU? you shriek, shaking your fist at the monitor and then in a flurry of fingers on keys you are telling them, warning them of the destruction and punishment you are about to mete out if they don't show you a little respect dammit RESPECT THAT I DESERVE!! you scream your outrage foaming in your mouth and seething over your lips...trickling down your chin in the manner remininscent of the drool on the chin of an invalid sitting in freshly soiled pants and staring vacantly out the window. And your family comes running in the darkness to see what is the matter they shake their heads and utter in disgust...My god, stop and take a good look at yourself! this isn't real life by Lynn 8/13/97 Tortured this is a tortured love wanting you and powerless to act loving you and scared speechless I can't have you there was never any doubt still I fell, blind to it as it happened around me I couldn't see now that I can... what will I do? Nothing... but tell you like this how I'd sit at your feet your hands in mine gazing into those amazing eyes and tell you that somehow... as the days went by my world shifted beneath me I began to fall in love with you How I love to laugh with you and long to lay with you 5/7/2000 Touch I close my eyes I want you to touch me here... and here... and oh yes! Right here.... Wait... you can't see where I'm pointing Well then give me your hand and I'll show you 1/5/00 You are the tree You are the tree and I.... the vine that grows around you clinging c l i m b i n g and growing only because of you without your strength I would lie on the ground ...withering But you lifted, guided me to the sunlight you held me close and I grew and shone I thrived and became something beautiful... 6/5/01 Two faced its not right to hate its not right to covet I say I don't but I do my heart does I'm jealous of everyone and everything at any given time I want what I can't have and don't want what I can have my head is completely fucked up I am constantly at will with myself Trying to be a healthy respectable person when inside I'm mean, hateful, envious an awful lying bitch spewing out bullshit that I don't believe I know my true self and that is why I'm impossible to live with why I can't find my happiness why I wallow in the dark where my black, bitter heart belongs 10/13/00 Two..... for 'One' when the earth was new we were one soul, one heart, one mind we were the bright shining flame of love, passion and friendship but then born again into two bodies a lock and a key two puzzles pieces that fit naturally perfect for each other body to body soul to soul together once again until the earth is old and frail and as she begins to crumble and die we stand, arms entwined at chests eyes closed as our faces touch blind and deaf to the apocalypse joined together...we are eternity 6/5/01 Two worlds collide Eyes meet Hearts race Chests heave Skin tingles Teeth clench Fists close Lips part Desires burn Bodies join Paths cross And their lives begin. fall 96 Unanswered questions How does one explain unfathomable love? Love that is everything you need and want? Love that is everything right and good? The way love is supposed to be Tender, kind, gentle and sensual, all encompassing How does one explain the fear of losing that love? The fear of loving too much and losing again? Wanting something so desperately but afraid Afraid of giving to much, too soon Loving too hard and too fast And then one day finding yourself, alone again How does one overcome that fear? And willingly let all their love flow? And take the chance of hurting again When do you know it will be forever? When do you know the hurting has stopped? God when you want it so bad and care so much How do you hold it back? Why would you want to? It feels like this is it, but how can I be sure? I've been wrong before, and suffered dearly for it This love I've found, I want it to last forever But how do I make that happen? 8/12/97 Unloved You may think me unloved with no man in my life you may think me unhappy you think I'm alone I walk outside feel the storm on the wind as it swirls in my hair listen as the birds sing walking down the lane little dog prancing at my feet grinning as Lobo trots up to meet us I am happy. I am overwhelmed with calm. My heart is full of joy. I am at peace with myself. This feeling, in this moment is what life means to me. No one can give this to me this deep calm bright light in me and I can not give it to you. It is my security, my love. It fills me and brings me happiness and a sense of peace. and it is not dependent on whether I wake alone each day or not. 5/18/2000 Unwanted love Love....does not conquer all I have loved you since I met you quietly in my own heart you have someone to love there is no room for me so this love exists like a crippled swan I can't set it free it will never fly again and I can't kill it but its existence hurts me I'll wrap it in a cozy box take it to the shore and set it afloat adrift on the waves I will not watch it go I don't want to know its future someone will find it and cherish it for what it is ...unwanted love 9/25/00 You are always with me When the wind whispers in the trees I hear your voice When the raindrops fall on my face I feel your kisses When thunder rolls and lightning stikes, I feel your pain When trapped in the heart of the storm I feel your confusion When a rainbow flitters across the sky I feel your devotion When the sun shines so bright and warm I feel your kindness When ocean waves wash over me I feel your caresses When the freezing bitter snow falls, I feel your absense When the air is hot and sultry I feel your presence When I breath the cool, clean air, I feel your laughter When dark clouds hover overhead I feel your sadness When I lie beneath the vast night sky I feel overwhelmed with your love I often wonder where you are and what you are doing But now I see you are here with me, in my heart for always 12/5/96 Waiting When we are together the world ceases to exist There is only you and I...our hearts beating Looking into each others eyes Love spilling over and flowing between us When you touch me, my body sighs in delight When you kiss me, all thought is impossible When you hold me, all my problems disappear When you left me, my world shattered I am aimless and lost without you The colors aren't so vivid, dulled by my tears The air not so clear, with every breath I choke The sun is not so bright, darkness fills my life Day and night my thoughts never leave you Sleep is my only reprieve... I cling to a glimmer of hope The hope of a child, hurt one too many times To hear you say you love me as you hold me In the safe harbor of your embrace Your heart beating steady and true I know it won't be long now, but I ache Feeling as though I've died a thousand deaths Waiting to be reunited with the one I love 8/13/97 Wall You keep running into that wall that wall I hide behind the one that protects me ...in theory... but if you knew the truth you could see that the wall is slowly melting when you stand so close and chip away at it one small piece at a time and I'm not helping... merely watching you closer than you think faithfully watching wondering.... in my mind I question how clearly you see what lies behind that cool wall and what will you find when its all melted away still... I watch you from where its safe never helping...or hindering 3/14/01 Wasted tears Is there anyone wasting tears of loneliness like me? Is there anyone crying for me? because they couldn't have me even though they loved me? have I caused pain and heartache and never known? Has anyone longed to be with me and never told me? Wrote a poem or love letter for me and never sent it? Never told me Have I ever not been on this end of the heartbreak? Has no one harbored a secret love of me? No one has ever told me they couldn't live without me that they think only of being with me So is it this... that I have never been loved as deeply as I have loved? To have someone love me so openly and deeply To cry for me, write for me, and pine for me to tell me how much I mean to them... would be more than I could take and I know I express more than I should in what I write and say but it's what I'm thinkingfeelingwondering and I must tell someone and stop wasting tears on love thats lost 5/7/2000 Watch She feels like a peeping tom-she says Its quite alright with me-I say Stay and watch Tell me what you see don't close your eyes I want you to see How hungry he makes me I like the idea of them watching as you light me up lift me up, make me melt Let them watch and see as you possess me ownguidemold me Let them watch I'll kneel in front of you shining with adoration offer my self and body to you submit to you This is no small thing to go unnoticed Can they see? What I am prepared to give to you? That they are watching, inspires me to tell them, show them... Why you are the man that makes me burncravequivergasp with wordimages YOU and not him.... never him with your words for me and only me Let them watch and see that I want to be only for you touched by no other don't let them taint me Look into my eyes and see a man has finally taken hold of me Now I am willing and pliant A total eclipse of me, by him Please watch, look and see the strenth of the man who possesses me the light in my eyes the wet on my thighs Will you watch him... strip me take me map out his territory And now I see there is no place for a weak man here with me. He is the reflection of me. 2/19/2000 (redhead girl from Florida) Watch her I watch her, with him and I know, inside she will never love me not like that no matter what she says I can't have what he has I can't share what they share I can watch and yearn smile and laugh bask in her presence cherish each word and look to savor later when I'm alone of course... I'm always alone 5/5/2000 Welcome to my party I sit here unaware, ignorant in my euphoria of the lurking demon, in my chest he hides patient as the night, waiting for the moment when I feel stable, happy and secure and like a bolt of lightening he strikes dark burning pain into my heart anew barely letting the wounds heal between the vicious unannounced attacks like a fist to the face a boot to the back it knocks me to the floor and I crawl and weep all over again struggling to regain my stance slowly over the hours I will find something to cling to...hope to keep going down this path dark and tangled with pain revisited in its grip it seems to me I would rather be beaten and know I could heal than suffer another broken heart and never truly recover I can show you the bruises and justify my tears but there are no words for what I feel how it wraps around my heart and drags me into this pit of pain and self loathing I find myself and my neverending tears so utterly pathetic Behind the illusion of happiness I am weak, wounded and desolate useless to anyone anymore so when you see me, meet me on the street tell me to give up the game and freely wallow the pity party that is my life. 1/12/2000 What do they see? What would they say If they saw us this way? How do we two appear to you? I try to be discreet but they can feel my heat I try not to show I'm afraid they know I flaunt my desire they encircle the fire I struggle for breath they sense my death How fast my pulse races revealed in their faces What do they see wrapped all over me How far it extends this being 'friends' 2/15/2000 What else can I do? I am in love with you! What else can I do? Take a deep breath and look down at my heart in my hands, my tender, vulnerable heart. A little jagged around the edges, no longer lovely to behold. I wonder if you see what I see. How it's been bruised, battered and broken By those before you. "But it's healed now" I tell myself, and what else can I do? Look up into those clear blue eyes as I give my heart to you. I bow my head and softly weep pleading whispering "Be gentle with my heart, for it's all I have to give" 9/17/97 Will to happiness and love Hello Happiness Good to see you back again. And Love my dear Growing strong and true. But we must take heed-steel ourselves. For Destruction has returned. She ranted and she rave Swore you were a farce. And again she forced me to take up the bond you've built so new. To unentwine and lay it straight. Scrutinizing every inch and looking for a flaw. And once again she failed. But promised to be back. For she hates to lose and you know that. But I am prepared to fight again And this time we can win. For I feel her weakening- self doubt is creeping in. Last time we did not fail. A draw is not a loss. This time we can stop destruction in her tracks. But you two must be his armor. Protect him from her evil ways. Give him all you have to give- save nothing back this time. We must be strong and true to win. So my Love you must be strong And Happiness- unsinkable. And when she slings her barbs- the pain will not be felt. She will slink off in the night. The pain she holds...unshared. We will be the victors And he will be the prize. Ours to love and cherish until the end of time. He is worth the fight. You know as well as I And for him we will unite. fall 96 Without you When you are away from me My heart, like a forlorn puppy abandoned on a lonely deserted highway left shivering in the cold drizzle and gloom Waits patiently for you to return 5/22/97 You are My sun and my moon My sky and ground My joy and sadness My ecstacy and my pain My life and my death My heaven and hell My madness and my sanity My past, present, and future My courage and fear My strength and my weakness My fury and my pleasure My laughter and my tears My fire and Ice The tick to my tock The back to my forth You are me, And we are one. 9/96 You are the man You are the man I love whether I should or not You are the man I've dreamed of whether you are mine or not You are the man I desire whether I can have you or not You represent all the good in my life whether I deserve you or not You are the standard I have set for all others to be measured by Once you've experienced the best there is no settling for anything less In the eyes of the world you do not belong to me But in my heart, deep in my heart you will be mine forever. 4/2/01 You led You led the way.... to that hidden path within me the sound of your laughter drew me the twinkle in your eyes enchanted me the scent of your hair lured me the soft of your skin tempted me and finally... I couldn't deny what you seemed to know I offered my hand, you took it gently pointed out what was there when you began to walk, I joined you each step weaving a luscious web further entangling me... in you and when you begin to run giggling, tossing your hair that way I'll catch you up in my arms in a spinningtwirlinglaughing hug lower you softly to the ground in a passionate kissingclutching embrace and learn to love you slowly 4/17/2000